small steps to something big

I started this blanket for Toby. I am by no means an expert knitter.  "Advanced habitual beginner" is an accurate description of my level when it comes to knitting.  I know just enough to be dangerous with some knitting needles.  I know the knit stitch and even though I love to purl, I have to look up how to do it every dang time because I don't do it enough and so I forget.

I decided I wanted to knit this blanket for Toby.  Because Alivea has a whole quilt and I have so many pictures of her in the cute little outfits I made for her.  Because we were poor and somehow I thought that sewing is what every stay at home mom did.  I know now that I was also still searching for myself.  Don't laugh. I wasn't searching for myself like the 18 year old who doesn't really want to go to college.  I wasn't searching like that.  I was searching like the "I have no clue what Jesus is doing in my life but this feels bigger than me but I'm not really sure how to step into it or just settle and let it wash over me so I'm going to find and try all the things to make me feel like I'm doing this right." Yeah that pretty much sums up the first 8 years of my parenting.

So this blanket.  I bought myself some circular knitting needles and 3 skeins of this beautiful yarn and got to work.  I know all the knitting experts are laughing because they've figured out that I need way more yarn.  Like lots more yarn.  {I haven't figured out what I'm doing about that yet. I'm just kind of flying by the seat of my pants. I will not be winning any knitting circle awards and I'm okay with that.} I bought the things and I started knitting.  I had to start over twice because I knitted about 10 rows and then somehow looked up and realized I had a circle.  And last time I checked circle blankets are not a thing.  So I had to rip it out and start over.

I'm a good eighth of the way through this blanket now and I just looked at it today and it hit me what I had accomplished and how much the knitting of this blanket is so allegorical for my life right now.

This blanket is slow-going.  I try to knit a row or two a day but that's really all I can do.  It's about 100 stitches wide and sometimes one or two rows is all I can fit in.  But those one or two rows a day has added up.  And it's added up quickly.  I don't ever really notice the difference that those one or two rows makes on any given day.  It's not like the blanket grows by inches everyday, but after a week or two I can see it.  The showing up everyday- it matters.  Guys, I'm seeing this in so many areas of my life right now.

I've been doing this ONE THING CHALLENGE with my team.  I'm showing up in my team Facebook page everyday and doing one activity to build my Young Living business.  Just one. I've had to stop myself because sometimes I want to do more.  That's the competitive side of me.  And doing one feels small.  It feels like a cop-out some days.  But those consecutive days of just doing one thing are adding up to big things in my business.

This blanket still has a long way to go.  A long way.  I expect it will take me all year.  And I'm fine with that.  And building my business.  And raising my children.  Those will take time too.  And I'm fine with that.  I'm not in this business or this life for the sprint.  I'm here for the marathon.  I'm here to learn and grow and become the person that God is calling me to be.

I was thinking about this while knitting this morning and thinking about how the old me would have quit a long time ago.  I would have quit this blanket and a lot of other things.  Because hard and slow is not where I'm comfortable.  I'm way more comfortable with the pedal to the medal and burnout and too much coffee and just wearing myself down.  It seems like that's been the theme of my life these past few years.  So this slowing down thing, this taking small steps thing, is way out of my comfort zone.

But I think this is where Jesus wants me now.  He wants me and is calling me to this place of rest and slowness and still.  He's calling me to build something bigger with little steps everyday.  He's calling me to consistency and sitting and quiet.  And it is taking every bit of me to obey.  It's taking every bit of me to stop.  It's taking every bit of me to just hold her hand while she's watching tv, instead of running off to get some work done on the computer since she's occupied.  It's taking every bit of me to read that book to him before bed, even though all I want to do is run back out to the living room and veg in front of the tv.  It's taking every bit of me and it's breaking me.  In a good way.

So to all you mamas, the ones just starting out and the ones who've been at this for a while, if you're feeling restless and you also feel like "you have no clue what Jesus is doing in your life but this feels bigger than you but you're not really sure how to step into it or just settle and let it wash over you so you're going to find and try all the things to make you feel like you're doing this right", just stop and breathe.  And do that next small things.  In your life, in your business, in your relationship.  Do the next small thing.  Don't worry about the five steps after that.  Just do that one thing.  God doesn't call us to stop or use our children as an excuse, but He has given us these moments and trust me, they go by fast.  So just be still and just do that one next thing. It may not seem like a lot today, but two or three weeks from now you'll see the effects of that one thing. And you'll see that big thing you built in really small steps and it will be amazing.

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